Easter Joy!

He is Risen! Alleluia!

Happy Easter to all of you beautiful ladies! I hope that each and every one of you are experiencing the joy of the Risen Christ! My Easter weekend was very lovely, but there was 1 particular highlight I wanted to share with you all. This weekend we had company come down and visit, an old family friend of my mom's and her 10 year old daughter. This year, unlike in years past when they've come down for Easter, they asked to go to morning mass with us. So, on Easter, having been away from the church for 12 years, my mom's friend stepped into a Catholic Church. She was sitting next to me, and at one point during the mass, I saw her tear up and begin to cry. Her daughter asked her what was wrong and she simply replied, "I'm ok honey, just overwhelmed by the Spirit." It was beautiful to see. When we left church, she told us that she and God were going to "do some serious talking," and that she is going to look up the local Catholic Church upon her return home. I just smiled. God is so powerful, so wonderful, and so welcoming. I hope that each and every one of you can soak up God's love and feel His warm embrace! He is risen! Alleluia! :)

Finally, I just wanted to share a song that has been on my heart since Sunday:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E2KNvuscKRA

Christ is risen from the dead,

Trampling over death by death,

Come awake, come awake!

Come and rise up from the grave!

Who are you?

After writing the post from JP2 yesterday I have been thinking a lot about who I am.  In order to live fully as God intended me to live, I need to know fully who I am.  This may sound weird, but discovering my inner self is one of my favorite things to do.  Last semester I took a poetry class on a whim as an elective.  Who knew that it would be one of the most influential classes of my college career.  I learned about a gift that I never knew I had, and from that class I have been able to speak at a poetry symposium and get published in the JMU literary magazine.  Sometimes when I sit down and think about it I think it is crazy weird that my Senior year of college I learned this about myself.  My professor was great and she really helped us to probe into our lives and find out who we are, what moves us, what drives us.  Most of you know that I am a person who is very in touch with my emotions.  For a long time, this was something I was embarrassed about.  But in the past few years, I have been able to understand that it is a part of who I am, and if I reject it, I am rejecting a gift from God.  All of these things are part of my self discovery.  In order to serve and love the God who made me, I need to be in touch with who He really made me to be, even if it's an unexpected gift or circumstance.  Because I am made in His image, the deeper I know my own heart, the deeper I know my God.   I was listening to an Anberlin song while I was driving yesterday and some lyrics go, "If you can't find yourself, then how can I expect to find you."  In terms of romantic relationship, if we don't know ourselves then we cannot fully give ourselves to another.  If we don't know and love who we are then how can someone truly know and love us?  

From JP2

This is a section from a letter that Pope John Paul II wrote specifically to women.  I reread it this week and thought it appropriate to share this part with you all:

"This word of thanks to the Lord for his mysterious plan regarding the vocation and mission of women in the world is at the same time a concrete and direct word of thanks to women, to every woman, for all that they represent in the life of humanity.

Thank you, women who are mothers!  You have sheltered human beings within yourselves in a unique experience of joy and travail.  This experience makes you become God's own smile upon the newborn child, the one who guides your child's first steps, who helps it to grow, and who is the anchor as the child makes its way along the journey of life.

Thank you, women who are wives!  You irrevocably join your future to that of your husband's, in a relationship of mutual giving, at the service of love and life.  

Thank you, women who are daughters and women who are sisters!  Into the heart of the family, and then all of society, you bring the richness of your sensitivity, your intuitiveness, your generosity and fidelity.

Thank you, women who work!  You are present and active in every area of life - social, economic, cultural, artistic, and political.  In this way you make an indispensable contribution to the growth of a culture which unites reason and feeling, to a model of life ever open to the sense of "mystery," to the establishment of economic and political structures ever more worthy of humanity.

Thank you, consecrated women!  Following the example of the greatest of women, the Mother of Jesus Christ, the Incarnate Word, you open yourselves with obedience and fidelity to the gift of God's love.  You help the Church and all mankind to experience a "spousal" relationship to God, one which magnificently expresses the fellowship which God wishes to establish with his creatures.

Thank you, every woman, for the simple fact of being a woman!  Through the insight which is so much a part of your womanhood you enrich the world's understanding and help to make human relations more honest and authentic."

If this inspiration from Pope John Paul II doesn't make you want to live more fully as the woman God created you to be then I don't know what will.

Priorities

Here I am, on a Tuesday night, trying to study for a test while also trying to memorize an Italian dialogue for a skit tomorrow. Then, tomorrow, after completing both, I have to immediately start studying for an test Thursday, and then start preparing for finals that start Monday morning at 8am. Overwhelmed doesn't even begin to describe how I have been feeling today.

But, a few things today have helped me to take a step back and re-prioritize my life. Today, as every other Tuesday, I went to the special needs preschool right down the street and volunteered. I could have skipped since I had so much to do, but I just couldn't. Those kids put SO MUCH JOY into my life. Why? It's simple really. They are disabled: physically, mentally, and socially, and yet they permeate joy each and every time I see them. One smile from just one child brightens my entire day, and helps remind me why I am in school. So that one day, I can have a classroom of precious 2-4 year olds of my own :) And I cannot wait until that day.

On Sunday, our priest suggested that we read over Psalm 22 during Holy Week. So, in my efforts to procrastinate, I looked it up. It is such a beautiful testament to God's unfailing love for us. My favorite line reads,

"But You, Lord, do not stay far off; my strength, come quickly to help me."

God is ALWAYS there. In the long run, He won;t care whether I get all A's this semester or not. He wants me to try my best, sure, but it's not as if He will stop loving me if I stumble a bit this semester. And so, it's time I take a good hard look at my priorities. Yes, I need to do well in my classes, and I need to try and push through and finish strong. But, my grades do NOT define me. My relationship with God defines me, and that is what I need to focus on most. Because God never strays. And, much like those beautiful special needs preschoolers, God is always encouraging.

Pay It Forward

I sat in TDU today trying to get some work done, when the girl next to me asked me if I wanted to participate in a "Pay It Forward" movement. For those who do not know, 'Pay it Forward' starts with one person performing an act of kindness for three others. Then, those three have to pay it forward to three others. It creates a chain reaction where kindness can reach hundreds and eventually thousands. An AWESOME concept! There is also a movie called 'Pay it Forward.' If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it. A wonderful story and a wonderful message. I immediately said yes because I am a huge advocate for this: small acts of kindness=great gestures of love. Whether it be to a close friend or a perfect stranger, small acts of kindness make the world a better place.

So, my assignment for this project: write an encouraging note to a close friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger. Give it to them before the end of the day. So simple right? But, the question is, why don't we do this more often? I am so excited to be a part of this movement, that it is present on JMU's campus. I encourage each and every one of you to participate as well. You don't necessarily need to write a note....any act of kindness will do.

Small acts of kindness=great gestures of love: God's perfect love <3

How will you pay it forward?

LOVE can WAIT to give

2 weeks ago I had the privilege to hear Jason Evert speak at St. Mary's in Richmond. For those that don't know, he is a writer and speaker on chastity. I've heard a lot about him, what's in his books etc., but I've never read any of them. Let me tell you, after his talk I can't wait to read them.

Jason's talk inspired me to set my standards high. Love, in its true form, exemplifies Jesus. The St. Anthony prayer says "I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me." How wonderful is the thought of a relationship that is a "picture" of my relationship with Jesus, a relationship that is selfless and makes each person in it stronger and closer to God. Because God loves me unconditionally, I should expect to give and receive the same unconditional love in my relationship. Jason talked about how we, as women have the power to turn heads, but we also have the power to turn hearts. Sometimes we give guys what they want because we want to keep them happy and we justify it because they say "I love you." I know I get frustrated and think that guys just want one thing, but I've come to realize that maybe that has become true because we give it to them."Love can wait to give, lust can't wait to get." I know I have personally given in to the desires of a boyfriend because I was scared of what would happen if I didn't, but this is not the kind of relationship that brings me closer to God. If women start respecting themselves then men will learn they have to respect us too. We are beautifully created children of God and we should expect to be treated as such!

God has made each of us a masterpiece. Ephesians 5 is the verse that many people cringe at. "Wives submit to your husbands." But keep reading! "For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God's word." Jesus was crucified for us, and God expects men to lay down their lives for their wives. This is a high expectation, but why should we expect any less?

It's so easy to give into temptations, and something I have learned from my bible study leader at home is that if we know we will sin, why even put ourselves in the position to do so. This is a little excerpt from the latest issue of Radiant magazine that I think has a good point. Fr. Jim has also mentioned this before. True love doesn't balance on whether or not someone has little habits you can't know unless you live with them. There is no adequate "trial run" for marriage. Like the article and Jason say (and I looked up some statistics), a high percentage of people that cohabitate get divorced.

If you are willing to marry someone, you are willing to except them not only for the qualities you admire but also for their imperfections. We're taught to give ourselves completely to our spouse. Living with them and having sex with them is a physical representation of that, but what about the spiritual aspect. There is nothing binding in having sex with or living with a boyfriend. Just knowing you are going to marry someone is not enough. It's not permanent and yet we think it is. Until united with a spouse in the eyes of God, acts of lust are not honoring God. I want to save that part of my life for one person and one person only and I will only know that will happen if I'm married to them.

Here is a prayer that Jennessa gave us at the Women's Retreat for our future spouses...

Glorious Saint Raphael, Patron and lover of the young, I feel the need of call­ing to you and of pleading for your help. In all confidence I open my heart to you to beg your guidance and assistance in the important task of planning my future. Obtain for me through your intercession the light of God's grace so that I may de­cide wisely concerning the person who is to be my partner through life. Angel of Happy Meetings, lead us by the hand to find each other. May all our movements be guided by your light and transfigured by your joy. As you led the young Tobias to Sara and opened up a new life of happi­ness with her to holy marriage, lead me to such a one whom in your angelic wisdom you judge best suited to be united with me in marriage.

St. Raphael, loving patron of those seeking a marriage partner, help me in this supreme decision of my life. Find for me as a helpmate in life the person whose character may reflect some of the traits of Jesus and Mary. May he (she) be upright, loyal, pure, sincere and noble, so that with united efforts and with chaste and unselfish love we both may strive to perfect ourselves in soul and body, as well as the children it may please God to entrust to our care.

St. Raphael, angel of chaste courtship, bless our friendship and our love that sin may have no part in it. May our mutual love bind us so closely that our future home may ever be most like the home of the Holy Family of Nazareth. Offer your prayers to God for the both of us and obtain the blessing of God upon our marriage, as you were the herald of blessing for the marriage of Tobiah and Sarah.

St. Raphael, friend of the young, be my friend, for I shall always be yours. I desire ever to invoke you in my needs.

To your special care I entrust the decision I am to make as to my future husband/wife. Direct me to the person with whom I can best cooperate in doing God's Holy Will, with whom I can live in peace, love and harmony in this life, and attain to eternal joy in the next. Amen.

In honor of St. Raphael: Our Father, Hail Mary, Glory Be .

birthday love

Throughout this past week, I have experienced great acts of love and kindness. This past Saturday, my brother was confirmed. I was so incredibly proud of him as we walked toward to bishop and cannot believe how much he has grown throughout the years. We had a ton of family come in to celebrate and it was so great being able to spend time with everyone. On Sunday, we celebrated my aunt’s and my birthday. In our family, we have a lot of April birthdays. My aunt is the 13^th, I am the 14^th, and my cousins are the 15^th and 18^th. When we were younger, we used to go up to NY around Easter and we would celebrate the April birthdays altogether. As we got older and started heading off to college, we haven’t been able to carry on the tradition as much. But this weekend, we brought back the old tradition. My aunt and I walked into a beautifully decorated house and shared a big birthday cake together. We took turns opening presents and loved every minute of it. It was so great being able to celebrate and spend time with the family.

On Tuesday, our small group met at our small group leader’s house. They fed us a delicious dinner: hamburgers, hot dogs, grilled chicken, baked beans, French fries, and fruit. It was so awesome sharing in fellowship with some truly amazing people. As we finished dinner, the lights turned off and I saw my small group leader walk in with a funfetti cake decked out with lit candles. As everyone sang to me, she placed the cake in front of me, kissed my head, and whispered, “Happy Birthday!” to me. Truth be told, I was actually trying not to cry. It was such a beautiful moment and a great gesture of love. I am so grateful for everything my entire small group has done for me, not only that night, but throughout the entire semester.

Last night, after evening prayer, a group of CCMers went to ihop for a late night breakfast. After we ate our dinners, I heard clapping. The waiters and waitresses all surrounded me with a huge ice cream sundae and serenaded me. While most people get embarrassed, I think it is such an awesome gesture. And it really made my birthday that much more special.

Starting at midnight, I received texts and facebook messages. While this doesn’t seem like a big deal, to me it speaks volumes. These small acts of kindness spoke great volumes of love. I get so excited opening my inbox and seeing that I have 46 new messages waiting for me. Who doesn’t love getting mail? So thank you, thank you!

This morning, when I came into work, I began my usual routine of looking in the assistant’s tray to see if there were any assignments. Among a few papers, there was a card from one of the other girls I work with. It was such a cool and unexpected moment. And I felt loved. She took a few moments out of her day to make me feel loved. And that speaks volumes.

During our education classes, I volunteered to help with a SMARTboard presentation. As I walked up, Elizabeth shouted, “It’s her birthday!” and the whole class started singing to me. Another small act of kindness, another great expression of love. Elizabeth then gave me a beautiful, heartfelt card that made me feel so special. Thank you, Elizabeth. You truly are a wonderful friend.

If you know me, you also know that I have not had the best roommate situation lately. We just haven’t gotten along and what started out as a “best friendship” has turned into a “let’s try and be cordial” relationship. But, tonight, they are making me a cake and want to celebrate with me. They decorated the kitchen and are making an effort. I am hoping that this act of kindness can be a step in the right direction for us. And so, I want to extend a sincere thank you to the roommates.

Small acts of kindness speak great volumes of love. And to everyone, I am so thankful. Thank you for helping to make my birthday special. Thank you for loving me. I love you all so much.

If you gotta start somewhere why not here?

"If you gotta start somewhere why not here,

If you gotta start sometime why not now,

If we gotta start somewhere I say here,

If we gotta start sometime I say now."

I was just listening to this song ("City on Our Knees" by TobyMac: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7x6uPWiEhcs) and it got me thinking about my Lenten journey. It's really crazy to think Lent is almost over, and sometimes I become discouraged that I haven't been as successful at some of my Lenten promises. This morning, my friend, who goes to mass with me faithfully at 7am each Thursday (she's amazing at helping me stay accountable!) asked me how my Lenten promise to try not to gossip as much was going. (Yes, I attempted to give up gossiping for Lent) I shrugged, and then felt this embarrassment that I had to admit that it wasn't going super well. Some days are better than others, and though I have even attempted to implement a strategy to help me in this endeavor, I still fail. Miserably sometimes. But this song helped me to realize something; I am human, and I will mess up quite often. but, the beautiful thing is, I can always try again. So, this morning, I am challenging myself to start over, and I'm challenging you all to do it with me. So, if you too are frustrated/concerned about how your Lenten promises have been holding up...don't worry! Just take a deep breath, and commit to starting over. Today is a new day.

"If we gotta start sometime I say now."

This is kind of off-topic, but I feel like sharing it...

People think about faith differently here in Eastern Kentucky.  Most people here are strict, old-time Baptists, and while I definitely express my faith a lot differently than they do, I've come to really appreciate the way their culture embraces Christianity.  Faith is something you can talk about with your friends and neighbors.  It's a given.  People here couldn't make it through the difficult circumstances that they do without strong faith.  Consequentially, there's nothing taboo about praying or talking about God in public places.  Recently, I encountered an amazing example of this:

Yep.  In the Save-a-Lot discount grocery store where I take my elderly ladies shopping, there were Bible verses (a little like the Stations of the Cross, but not exactly) posted all around the produce and meat sections, and these three crosses.  They are not usually there--I guess the employees put them up for Easter.  My first reactions were surprise and a little bit of amusement.  But after I snapped this picture with my phone, it hit me: I am so blessed to be in a place like this, even for a year.  The Lord is so present here.  This grocery store, where mostly-low-income people shop for off-brand food, was the last place I expected God to speak to me that day. Why can't we all be so unabashed about the fact the God loves us, and that we love him back? 

Just a thought as we get closer and closer to Easter!

The Love that Exemplifies Your Relationship with Me

First of all, I just want to say that doing this blog for Lent has really changed my life. It came exactly when I needed it, because I am in a phase in my life where I really need guidance, particularly in my relationships/ ideas about relationships with guys and with God. You ladies have helped me and inspired me so much, and I am so thankful for each and every one of you, even those I have not met. These past few weeks, things have been kind of rough all over again, when I thought they were clearing up. There is a TON of drama in my friend group, and I'm really worried about several people and the cohesiveness of the group in general. Besides that, I of course have some sort of lingering feelings for the guy I most recently dated, Kenny, and I know that he definitely still really likes me so I'm trying to not make things too hard on him. The feelings that are much more deeply affecting me, though, are those for my boyfriend before him, the guy I dated for 2 and a half years, Mike. Since Kenny and I broke up, I have finally had to deal with how much I miss Mike. In fact, I have realized that some part of me, and I don't know how strong or big that part is, is still in love with Mike. Also, my grandma, though she has amazingly lived 2 and a half weeks longer than the doctors gave her, is still doing really poorly and it's difficult to call her and hear how much pain she's in or worse...not be able to understand her at all. So that's what I'm dealing with. And in all of this, there is some stupid voice at the back of my head that is telling me to just get back with Kenny or Mike or find some other guy because in times like these I NEED a boyfriend to comfort me and support me and help me through it. Having been in relationships for so long, this is the kind of thing I have convinced myself-that I physically can NOT do this alone. But this blog is helping me. A lot. From the phrase in the prayer about finding a love that exemplifies your relationship with Christ, I realized three things. A) I don't need a boy for those things- I just need God. B) I am NOT happy enough with my relationship with God that I would want exactly that sort of relationship with my future husband. C) But... I have this awesome time while I'm single to improve that relationship so that it IS the kind of marriage I want someday! So, I'm going to start modeling my relationship with God a little more on what I want in my marriage someday. I need to spend more time with Him, talk to Him more, listen to Him more, get to know Him better, go out of my way to serve Him every day. Everything I intend to do for or with my future husband someday, I want to do for or with God right now...and more! I am training myself in how to love my imperfect future husband by learning first how to do something a bit easier- to love a perfect God. I challenge each of you beautiful young women to ask yourself this question: "Do I want my future marriage to look like my current relationship with God?" If not, then start building something with God that, when it takes a similar shape on earth, will be everything you ever wanted and more.

This morning, I went to mass and was able to really focus for the first time in a long time.  I have a hard time slowing down my thoughts and worries, but this morning, if just for an hour, I managed to do it.  I really felt the Lord's presence and I heard him asking me to just focus on him.  "Just keep looking off and away, up to me."  I felt a real peace.

All of this came after the scary, scary experience I had last night.  I wanted to get away and have some alone time, so I went shopping.  The closest mall is in Huntington, WV, 1.5 hours away.  However, it took me about 3 hours to get home because of terrible, terrible fog.  I also missed my exit once and almost got lost.  I started praying and I really heard God's voice in my heart, saying, "I've never deserted you before.  I'm not deserting you on this creepy, lonely highway.  Why don't you believe in me in every area of your life?"  It was an unusual experience, and I think He really used it to show his presence to me.  Needless to say, I made it home safely.  :)

As I pray the prayer, I have been thinking a lot about my best friend, my cousin Tuni.  She got engaged about a month and a half ago, and I am a little conflicted about the situation.  I just don't know that her fiance is right for her.  In fact, no one in our family is super excited about him.  I just want her to end up with someone who really shines, who is so obviously right for her--and right now, I just don't see that in him.  I'm praying that I just don't know him well enough, and that I can support her despite my misgivings.  She has a strong faith, and I know the Lord will guide her.  I guess I just have to trust in Him.

But for now, I am going to enjoy the beautiful spring air coming through my window and get some sleep for the week ahead!  :)  Hope everyone has a great start to their week!

Just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things. Keep experiencing the satisfaction knowing that I am. Keep listening to and learning the things I tell you. Just wait, that's all.

I LOVE this line and this weekend as I've prayed over this prayer, I keep going over and over this line.  Women sometimes do not expect the greatest things for themselves.  I know growing up, I had very low expectations because of the society around me.  "Men aren't going to give you all that you want." "Men aren't perfect."  etc. etc. etc.  The thing is; however, we're beautiful women of God and we are to expect greatness.  While no man is without sin, we are to look to God for the man he makes for us.  

"Just wait.  That's all."

Love planted deeply

"Love planted deeply becomes what it ought to be." Audrey Assad - Ought to Be
I have tried to spend pretty much my whole life falling deeper in love with our amazing God.  Obviously there have been many struggles, but God has planted deep within me His overflowing love.  I have kept myself more in tune this Lent with how God may be revealing His love to me in everyday life.  As April was approaching I remembered that my parent's 25th Anniversary was coming up on the 12th.  So, this past week I have been remembering incredible acts of love and service shown by both of my parents to my family, friends, and even strangers.  I believe that their love, planted so deeply, is what love ought to be.  I feel silly because I often pray for good role models in young couples, and what I really needed to do was recognize more fully the amazing example of love God has set before me.  Now, I know that my parents have fought before of course.  (If there is no disagreement and working through of differences in a relationship, I don't think that it is truly real.)  But, love has truly ruled in our household for as far back as I can remember. 

I can remember quite a few times that my Dad has come home from work a little bit late because he saw a lady on the side of the road with a flat tire and stopped to change it for her.  He never accepts money when he does this, he always just tells the lady that he hopes if his wife or daughters were stuck in any similar situation, somebody would be kind enough to help.  One time, my Dad was driving on the interstate and watched a huge accident take place right in front of his eyes between an SUV and a tractor trailer.  The SUV was on fire and rolled over many times into a ditch.  My Dad stopped on the side of the road and ran down to the car.  The Mom and two daughters were from out of town and the Mom died immediately.  But my Dad waited with the car and reassured the one conscious daughter until the rescue team was able to get there.  I also remember one Christmas when my Dad got my Mom this beautiful cross necklace.  He was so excited about it that he showed it to me before he gave it to her and swore me to secrecy.  In that moment of his happiness of giving a gift to my Mom, I could see how deeply he loved her.


I remember being in D.C. in the summer with my Mom and siblings for a day trip and my Mom would always offer a piece of fruit or some type of food we had brought for a picnic to a homeless person.  She has never turned a blind eye to people who many of us frequently ignore.  My Mom is also a piano teacher.  One of her students was preparing for Confirmation and asked my Mom to be her sponsor.  This was not a family we were super close to, but the young girl and her parents saw my Mom's love for her faith and deep spiritual life.  They chose my Mom to sponsor a big moment in their daughter's faith life.  When I heard about this, I was so encouraged and uplifted that my Mom's actions of love could speak so loudly.  A few years ago, my Dad had a medical emergency that turned his world upside down.  While my Dad was in the hospital, my Mom never left his side unless she was forced to by the Doctors.  When we visited we brought her fresh clothes so she could at least change.  One day we got there we heard that my Mom had been given permission by the nurses   to bathe my Dad.  I am still amazed by this incredible act of love by my Mom.  She continued to take care of my Dad every day after he left the hospital, but I will never forget the tangible joy surrounding my Mom when she was able to help him at the hospital.  


The servant love that my parents' hearts are filled with is something I aspire to.  I know I can continue to learn from their amazing example of love and I am thankful to call them my parents.
"Love given freely becomes what it ought to be." Audrey Assad - Ought to Be


You don't have to look far and wide for acts of pure love, they are happening all around you.  Open your eyes.

The things that we're afraid of...are gonna show us what we're made of in the end.

This line from an old-school 90s song ("She likes me for me!") has kind of been my mantra lately.  There's so much that I'm afraid of right now, relationships-wise and in life in general, and as much as I try to run from my fears, it's true: the things that we're afraid of are gonna show us what we're made of in the end.  These days, I've been really questioning what I'm made of.  I've come to the realization that I need to contain more of God and less of myself than I currently do.  I have to admit that I've been slipping with saying the prayer the last couple of weeks and not saying it every day.  This is representative of my prayer life in general.  But I AM trying to get back on track--I have an appointment for Confession on Thursday, I am making myself set aside daily prayer/reflection time, and I am going to try to stay active on the blog--maybe you ladies can help a bit in keeping me accountable.  I would really appreciate it!

In my first post on this blog, I wrote about the guy I met here in Kentucky who I became pretty attached to, but who is currently dating someone else.  For a few months, he and I have not really had a relationship at all.  However, a couple weeks ago, he seemed to want to make amends and try to be friends again.  I knew it would probably not last long (his girlfriend was away for a little while), but I decided to give him one more chance, and that to just shut the door to friendship and mutual forgiveness would be wrong.  This was a mistake--we ended up getting super close again in a matter of a days.  Too close.  I realize now that I had been hurting so much these past few months, but had just been trying to ignore it.  I had been hurting because as much as I tried to pretend I had no connection with him, I still cared deeply about him.  He is going through a lot in his life right now, and though I know the relationship he is in is just making it harder for him to deal with those issues, I don't think he's capable of seeing it.  When his girlfriend got back, though, things between us grew kind of cold again.  He is a different person around her, and she rather clique-ish and keeps him and her other friends close to her.  The terrible part is that I don't blame her.  I feel guilty about the choices I've made with him, and I feel guilty for making things harder on him when he does not need his life to be any more complicated than it is.  Granted, it is a two-way street, but I feel bad for my part in the matter.  I haven't been fair to him or to her.  Right now, I am just praying that I can be whatever he needs in his life right now.  If that means we have to just be fake, casual acquaintances and keep our distance, I pray that I may have the strength to do so.  It's just so hard.  I know he's probably never going to be right for me, and I know all his flaws VERY well at this point, but I still have feelings for him.  I'm also angry at him, though, because he has not treated me well in this situation, either.  It's just such a complex mess of emotions that I know only God can sort out.  So please, pray for me and for him.  We have two months left of living together, and I want to do my best to make the best of this situation in those two months.

Luckily, it is getting to be spring here.  There will be lots of fun outside stuff to do soon, and I can't wait!  I have made some good, true friends in my house and I'm getting a lot closer to some of the people in the other volunteer house here.  We have plans to go camping, go to some festivals, and do some other cool stuff.  I'm also going home for Easter and the week after--actually, I will be at JMU for Easter so hopefully I will see some of you there!  I thank God that he seems to be giving me an outlet from this situation. I know he's here, and I'm trying to listen!

"God is faithful and will not let you be tried beyond your strength; but with the trial he will also provide a way out, so that you may be able to bear it." --1 Corinthians 10:13

Finding Happiness

I came across this video a long time ago and absolutely fell in love with it. I watch it often as a reminder and some "warm fuzzies." Enjoy!

Courage

If anyone is feeling discouraged by their Lenten promise or Lenten sacrifice, do know that temptation is good and recognizing that temptation is even better.

I believe I mentioned that I gave up "asking for an engagement ring" or joking when I hear the radio commercials for DaBeers etc.  This past week, Steve and I came to an amazing revelation.  He brought up the engagement and I did need to tell him that I had given it up for Lent.  God gave me this amazing strength to discuss our future without feeling needy.  We both listened to one another and our needs while constantly desiring to serve the other.  After this blessed conversation that I cannot even put into words without a detailed description of the past three years of our relationship, Steve lead us in prayer.  He usually sticks to a very structured prayer format (liturgy of the hours specifically); however, on Wednesday night he brought God into the most amazing conversation.  I could feel this powerful bond between Steve, me, and God.  I truly believe the sacrifice and the prayers have brought us so much closer to God in our relationship. 

"Blessed is the man who perseveres in temptation, for when he has been proved he will receive the crown of life that he promised to those who love him." James 1: 12

Motivation

Where better to find motivation than from the words God gave us in the Bible.  Easter Sunday is 3 weeks away! Let's continue strong in our Lenten Promise to each other and "Pray without ceasing." (1 Thessalonians 5:17)

I pray that as we continue to pray together we can continue to learn from each other as well.

Keep it up ladies!