Praying the Psalms

So it seems simple enough, right? We read all the time that Jesus prayed the Psalms. So why had I not thought to do this until this week? This was one of many new habits I picked up at EWC, and I really like it. Sometimes, you're not in the mood to make up your own prayer, or you want to learn from the wisdom of a prayer that is already written, but saying something like the Our Father or Hail Mary loses it's meaning occasionally because you say it so often. It's easy to zone out or not really concentrate on the words to these prayers. The Psalms are a great balance between these two realms! And the cool thing is, there's one (or more) for basically EVERY situation you could be in, emotion you could be feeling, etc. I personally recommend Psalm 104- it is all about God's power and glory as seen through nature and His creation, and it really gets me excited about how BIG and mighty our God is! Anyways, that was just one little random thing I wanted to share right now. This blog is amazing, you ladies are all amazing, and God is definitely amazing! :)

God shows love in funny ways sometimes

One of my student's sisters has an amazing and inspirational story to tell.  God has truly shown her love in a powerful way.  She quotes Mother Teresa in the video:  "I know that God won't give me anything I can't handle.  I just wish he didn't trust me so much."  Take a look at it and if you get the chance, vote for her video.  She is one of nine finalists picked for Sports Net's Ultimate Athlete. 

http://www.highschoolsports.net/GSM/viewEntriesAndVote.cfm?start=1&videoID=856141631001

A lover knows his beloved's heart

We used this song during a prayer service at Encounter with Christ and since we picked it I have been listening to it a lot.  Just wanted to share it with you all.
Known by Audrey Assad
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZB5ye2tGyHM


As the dew falls on the blade
You have touched all this fragile frame
And as a mother knows her baby's face
You know me, You know me

As the summer air within my chest
I have breathed You deep down into my breast
And as You know the hairs upon my head
Every thought and every word I've said
Every thought and every word I've said

Savior, You have known me as I am
Healer, You have known me as I was
As I will be in the morning, in the evening
You have known me, yeah, You know me

Oh, and as the exhilaration of autumn's bite
Oh, You have brought these tired bones to brilliant life
And as the swallow knows, she knows the sky
This is how it is with You and I
Oh, this is how it is with You and I

Savior, You have known me as I am
Healer, You have known me as I was
As I will be in the morning, in the evening
You have known me, yeah, You know me

From the fall of my heart to the resurrection of my soul
You know me, God, and You know my ways
In my rising and my sitting down
You see me as I am, oh, see me as I am

And as a lover knows his beloved's heart
All the shapes and curves of her even in the dark
Oh, You have formed one in my inward parts
And You know me, You know me, yes

Savior, You, You have known me as I am
Oh, healer, You have known me as I was
As I will be in the morning, in the evening
You have known

You have known me, in the morning, in the evening
You've known me, God
In the morning, in the evening You have known me
Yeah, You've know me

You have always known me
You know me, God, You have known me
You have always known my heart

Forgiveness

"Though your sins are like scarlet,

    I will make them as white as snow.

 Though they are red like crimson,

    I will make them as white as wool."

Isaiah 1:18

This is an excerpt from my daily devotional for today:
"In Christ all of our sins are wiped away - completely.  When we come to him in repentance, he doesn't just give us more time to make up for our sins.  He doesn't give us a list of suggestions and one more chance to redeem ourselves.  No, he casts our sin away from us, as far as the east is from the west.  He washes away our failures and puts us on the path of freedom and victory.  And he promises to walk with us, helping us along the way.  Take some time today to ponder your heavenly Father's generosity.  Let the Holy Spirit expand your imagination so that you can envision the possibility of complete forgiveness, the hope of every spiritual debt being canceled with no questions asked.  Let this promise soak into your heart and transform the way you think.  The more you understand God's radical gift of mercy, the easier it will be for you to forgive the people around you.  Look to your merciful Father, and you will become merciful yourself."
Personally I think that true forgiveness for someone who has hurt you in a deep way is extremely hard to practice in our daily lives.  However, when I read this passage and meditated on God's complete mercy towards us, I found a new perspective.  God is our Father and he watches us hurt him with the sins we commit every day, and yet he showers us completely with mercy and makes us whole again through Reconciliation.  Why can't I do the same for my brothers and sisters in Christ.  In my past I was deeply hurt by a boyfriend of mine.  After some time I told myself I had forgiven him as I moved on with a better life for myself.  However, I harbored a grudge against what this boy did to me for quite some time.  It wasn't until someone told me that unless I forgave him completely, I was letting his sin rule in my life.  I remember when I was finally able to let go completely through Confession and  how powerful the cleansing hands of the Priest were as he laid them on my head and absolved me of my sins.  When we ask for forgiveness, God forgives us wholly every time.  I pray that I can put that into practice towards my brothers and sisters.

One Body in Christ

This past weekend I had the beautiful privilege of teaming Encounter with Christ #170. This weekend was so overwhelming, in so many ways. Firstly, the sense of community formed at this retreat is amazing. It is mind blowing. There have now been 170 of these retreats, each hosting a so many participants who are trying to deepen their relationships with God. What is more beautiful than that? All of these people, even people I have never met before, are bonded by this Encounter experience together. "We are one body, one body in Christ, and we do NOT stand alone."

This weekend I was an emotional wreck. I had a countless number of breakdowns (more than I think I have ever had in one weekend), and God broke me down and built me back up more times than I can remember. One time in particular was when I was sitting in front of the Blessed Sacrament. I had just come from confession, and I had completely lost it. I hadn't intended on going into confession and having an emotional breakdown, it just kinda happened. God tore down the walls in my heart like a wrecking ball, but He was right there helping me to clean up the rubble. I was reminded that many things are out of my control, and He helped me to turn some of those things over to Him. In that moment, I, sitting on the floor so small and helpless, was completely satiated with Christ's love for me. He was there, all around me, within me, in front of me, behind me. With me. "Know that I love you utterly. I am God. Believe it and be satisfied."

"We are ONE body, one body in Christ. And we do NOT stand alone."

Catholic Match

While I do not discount online dating, this article is an AMAZING representation of how we perceive our love lives in the 21st Century. 

http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0002408.cfm

My friend, Catherine, from WM is an amazing woman of Christ and posted this article on her FB wall.  I've heard so many men and women of Christ say, "what if he/she is not the right one?"  "how do I really know if he/she is the one?"  This question is obviously going to come up to us living in the culture that we live in; however, we cannot use our culture as an excuse.  Discernment is all about trying.  Dating is all about discernment...at least dating in the Christian mind set.  Marriage is the prayerful vocation one is called to and not a choice one makes.  Read the article...amazing thoughts. 

One another note...I am aware that a lot of you are in the teaching profession.  Colleen sent me this verse the other day and I feel that it is something that any and all of us can use in the future.  Anyone who goes into any profession, especially the teaching profession WILL deal with adult bullies.  They won't go away.  I have now put this on my wall at work and consistently look at this as a reminder of how Jesus would have responded. 

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. On the contrary: "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good (Romans 12:17-21).

I apologize for the disjointedness of this post, but sometimes the feelings just flow.

"Mantreat"

For those that weren't aware, CCM is having a retreat called the "The Kings Men" this weekend. It's about being a man of integrity when the rest of the world makes it more acceptable to not be held accountable for your actions. Anyway, the fliers they posted have caused a lot of controversy on campus, some teachers have actually used it as a topic of discussion in class and many fliers have been torn down. Then Elizabeth told me about this blog that was written:

http://jmuwomensstudentcaucus.wordpress.com/2011/03/20/jmu-catholic-campus-ministrys-man-retreat/#comment-548

I was extremely sad that the interpretation of this retreat was way off base...so I commented. I tried explaining it, and the author actually said she would meet with me, so hopefully that will happen.

So to get to the point, it just struck me that while I'm in the middle of praying that God is forming a man who is completely focused on his faith, there is the perfect retreat to help guide and empower men to do just that. What do you know, it actually upsets people. I have realized that the worldly view has become so skewed that people are completely upset that for once, men are trying to take a stand and encourage guys to be faithful and loving and just all around "good". After all that is how we were created. I pray that all the heat will cause more people to come and who knows, change a few people's points of view.

Loving hatred

Sometimes it is unbelievably hard to love someone with so much hatred in their heart. 

Sorry this is so short, but it's simple.  Loving can be one of the most trying actions. 

Again with the Eyelashes

Hello friends,

I just have to share how awesome the gift of Reconciliation is. It's a sacrament that I have come to appreciate more and more as I get older. I remember when I was younger being scared, embarrassed, shy, and a whole host of feelings. Now I realize that this is all the result of sin. Reconciliation forces you to be accountable for what you've done.

I remember a couple things Fr. Mike Renninger said about Reconciliation. One is that the guilt we feel is a great thing. It's God's way of bringing our attention to something that really doesn't sit well with us or with Him. It's our conscience knocking on our heart saying, "Hey...that wasn't cool what you did. You shouldn't have done that. Go make things right." Guilt is pointless unless there is action to follow it. This brings me to Reconciliation which means "again (re) with (con) the eyelashes (cilia)." This sacrament allows us to be that close with God, close enough that your eyelashes can touch.

Lent is a time for us to ask for God's mercy and forgiveness. I know some of you may not be comfortable with Reconciliation but, I would encourage you to do an examination or conscience and do with it what you will. I feel like I always forget to do these examinations but, it really makes me stop and think about how I've been living my life. If I were to be tried for being Catholic, would I be convicted?

Love and Joy,
Lauren

I am working to have you both ready at the same time

Well, ladies, today I am 100% single for basically the first time since November 8th, 2007. Wow.
I'm doing ok, don't worry too much about me. I did what I had to do, and now I feel that I can better use my weekend on Encounter, the rest of my semester, and my time in Spain this summer to figure out ME. Not to figure out an US, but just ME. The past few months have been really rough, especially compared to the rest of my wonderful life, but I think I'm almost through this transitional phase. Once my grandma dies, I think the storm will be over, and there will just be adjusting to all the change to be done, and a lot of soul searching and learning about myself will happen, too. By the fall, I will be a brand new, much stronger woman. Or so I hope.
This prayer really helped me to evaluate day by day what I was after in my relationship with Kenny. One line that towards the end stuck out to me was that God is working to have me and my future husband ready at the same time. With everything going on in my life, I wasn't ready for a relationship. I didn't realize that my break-up with Mike left me empty. I didn't have as much of myself or my emotional stability left to give, that needs to build back up. I couldn't give Kenny what he wanted so desperately to give me: himself. But he, too, has a lot of growing and maturing to do, so it really wasn't just me who was not ready for this. Maybe someday God will call us back together. Maybe someday God will call Mike and I back together. They are both such amazing guys, and if things change, I could see either thing as a definite possibility far in the future. But for now, I am not ready. When I am- when I truly am- God will provide more than I can imagine. Until then, I am finally going to learn to believe and be satisfied.

Eternal Life

"Marriage is an act of will that signifies and involves a mutual gift, which unites the spouses and binds them to their eventual souls, with whom they make up a sole family - a domestic church." Pope John Paull II



Something I have been meditating over lately: Your spouse is entrusted with getting you to Heaven. 


So not only do you I need to have a spouse being that for me, but I need to be that for someone else.  Eternal Life, that's a lot of responsibility.


I know this is short and fragmented but these three separate pieces are three things that I have really been reflecting on and when I first heard them, it was a good wake up call.

Jesus in disguise

I was on the bus today going to the other side of campus, when a guy came onto the bus and sat down. Sure, nothing out of the ordinary. When we came to the next stop, the bus started to get really full. He got up, and stood at the front of the bus to let someone else sit down. And to everyone, it was not a big deal. But, something struck me at that moment. He was God for someone else. Something as simple as giving up his seat on the bus. And, he doesn't know it, but he changed my day...because he showed how Christ's love can be shown in the smallest ways possible.

As Mother Teresa says,

"Each one of them is Jesus in disguise."

I saw Christ today, in a very unexpected, but awesome way. I saw how His love can radiate in everyone and everything. What a powerful thing!

STOP!

Last week, I found myself so stressed that for no apparent reason, I broke down and started crying during a class. I had stretched myself too thin, giving little pieces of myself away to people and activities until I was left with nothing. I had planned my days from 7 am to midnight, packed my backpack and dinner during breakfast time and went from class to work to meetings. I had finally hit my breaking point.

I decided the only solution was to STOP. Just stop everything. Yesterday I decided to turn off my phone, ignore my emails and facebook, and do whatever I wanted to do. I felt a little selfish when I first decided I needed to do this, but I finally realized that in all my planning, I had forgotten that I couldn't dedicate myself fully to others while I was crumbling. I needed to recharge. In a sense, this prayer tells us exactly that, it just relates it more to romantic relationships. "You will never be united to another until you are united with Me, exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires or longings. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing."

So Saturday I woke up, and decided to enjoy the beautiful weather outside. I sat on a blanket to do some crafts, and then I was interrupted by Kelsea. She sat down with me and we talked literally for 4 hours. It was a very fun and fruitful conversation that I would have never experienced if I hadn't taken a break from the world. I probably would have scheduled my day so tight, that I wouldn't have left any room for God's plan. He gave me the break I had needed from the craziness of our world and allowed me to actually enjoy something and not worry about where I had to be next and what I had to get done. I really encourage you girls to pick a day to not do anything. Turn off your phones, ignore all of your email and just be.

Love from a teacher

This prayer is for all of the teachers out there.  This is a prayer that I've been reading almost every morning to get me through the day.  After reading Jen's post about the question "why,"  all I kept thinking of was one of my students.  I only have this student for Religion and she doesn't particularly get along with me.  She never wants to be there and even more so doesn't want to believe in anything that I teach.  She's one of my biggest challenges.  She does well on tests, is a brilliant girl, but I cannot seem to reach her.  She admits not going to Mass and firmly stands by the fact that what we believe is "ridiculous." This is one of the places that I find God pulling me to answer her questions and truly bring her to him.  Unfortunately, he's also showing me that it's not always easy to love when you are frustrated. 
A TEACHER'S PRAYER
by Richard Peck OH GOD, I'M ONLY A TEACHER,
And it's lonely work because I'm the only member of my species in the room. I like kids. and l love my subject matter.
And I have higher hopes for thesc kids of mine than they have for themselves:
I want them to create. They want to consume.
I want them to love the world. They want the world to love them.
I want every day to be different. They want every day to be the same.
I want then to burn with zeal, about something. They want to be cool, about everything.
I want them to think. They want me to tell them.
I want the bell to ring. They want the bell to ring.
OH GOD. I'M A TEACHER,
I'm not their buddy. I don't want to be. I've seen what they do to their buddies.
I'm not their parent, and yet they'rc looking high and Iow for parents and can't seem to find them.
I'm their teacher. I don't want thcm to take me at my word. I want them to find the words.
OH GOD. I'M A TEACHER,
So I'm perfectly willing to move mountains, if you'll send me some hands for the end of my lever:
Send me a couple of administrators who care more about standards than they do about their jobs.
Send me the occasional parent who sees in me a colleague, not a scapegoat.
Send me a few kids every year, willing to brave their peers in order to learn.
OH GOD, I'M ONLY A TEACHER
I want to make bricks. Could you send me some straw?
Amen

'That's God Speaking to You'

God is all around us. We can see Him in all things and through all things. His message is clear...if we choose to listen. Nothing that happens in life is by sheer coincidence. The people that walk into your life, the wonderful experiences you have, and the challenges you face are all a part of the journey you take throughout our lifetimes. And it's important to realize that everything has been purposefully planned for you. We may not understand why right now, but do we really need to? If God has the perfect plan for us, then why do we always need to know why? Right now, I'm trying to 'let go and let God.' Sure, my life is a series of unsure events, but it also is filled with love. Christ's love. Today, I was able to see His love in all sorts of places: in a dear friend, in a walk to the arboretum, through music glorifying Him, in reading others' blog posts, and in helping others. And it was through this love I was able to find sheer happiness and peace. And that is what gives me hope and courage to make it through the 'unsure' times. The 'unsure' times will come and go. But, God's love holds me together every time.

Perfect love?

One line that keeps catching my eye from this prayer is the part about perfect love. I've had a lot of interesting conversations recently about whether or not the human heart is even capable of loving perfectly. This prayer would argue that it is- when we learn to love someone else with the sort of love we share with Jesus. That is definitely interesting to think about.
If there is one person I could name that DOES love perfectly, though, it would have to be my grandma. This woman is a saint, I swear. First of all, she raised 6 boys- no girls- and never murdered any of them. Haha. But really, she is deeply Catholic. She goes to Mass every morning, prays constantly, and just really brings God wherever she goes. Last fall, my grandma suffered through a bout with esophageal cancer, and she won, but her body was left very weak. This fall, she was diagnosed with lung cancer. My grandma smoked for many years, so this wasn't too unexpected. She actually quit in preparation for my birth, but that's a whole other story. Anyways, her lung cancer has spread to her brain, and though we thought she had a few months to live, the doctors are now giving her 1 week. This is very difficult for my family, having just lost my grandfather a month ago today. My father, especially (it's his mom) is very scared of what the future will hold for many of his brothers who are tied to my grandma emotionally, psychologically, and financially. Several of them may end up institutionalized for mental problems, or even homeless, including my 7 year old cousin Ashley. Please pray for my grandma's soul, and for the rest of my family and their uncertain futures... Pray that we would trust in God, as my grandma has spent her life teaching us to do, and know that He will provide for tomorrow.

The Greatest is LOVE

Hello Bloggers!

This is my first time posting on a blog and I especially love the concept of this one! Most of the posts have been focusing on the love in relationships and, well I am currently not in one. However when I gave this some thought, I realized I most certainly am in a relationship. WITH GOD! In my life right now I especially have needed God's love to keep me strong. I won't go into much detail but at this time in my life I am going through a medical mystery and it has taken its toll emotionally and physically. However the other night I was reading some different bible passages on God's love for us. When I came across one that I really enjoyed, 1 Corinthians 13:13 "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." I thought this depicted how I was feeling because overall I have needed to step back and look at the new situation presented and say, "ok maybe there is some hope that this doctor will be the one," and when that doesn't happen then I know I have this big support group of faith that is praying for me. And then I thought, "well how does love have a role? (besides the obvious of family and friends and God)." And it hit me, this is also an added stress to the doctors who are unable to develop a solid reason for why this is happening.Then and there I realized that the love needed to be directed to them for their efforts and drive to help people like me everyday of their lives! It astounded me that all the hatred I had built up against doctors not getting it right needed to be turned into love and respect. Why? Simply because GOD SAID SO! I firmly believe that I can now step back and ask for God's advice first before assuming how my feelings should be portrayed. So I hope that in this lenten season we can pray for those who are just as stressed as I am and give them the undivided love that they too need. Because the greatest is LOVE! <3

Menus

As a Catholic School teacher, I face many (dare I say) interesting Catholics on a daily basis.  I will not go into detail because I shall not judge as a Catholic (Those without sin shall cast the first stone), but one individual that I met truly rubbed me the wrong way.  At a conference back in August, she suggested that we make a poster to put in our classroom.  The poster should say "The Catholic faith is not a menu, you cannot pick and choose what you want to believe."  Now, I apologize if any of you feel that this a true statement, but I feel that there are times that we are challenged in our faith.  Yes, we have the Catechism, but each one of us challenges with sin. 

Steve and I both struggle with a variety of temptations and have succumbed to those temptations.  We are in the market to purchase a house before we get married (I could give you a million and one reasons behind this).  I am struggling between what I know we need to do versus what we're "supposed" to do as Catholics.  I wouldn't say that I'm not Catholic because I do things a little bit differently though.  I'm at Mass every weekend.  I have a strong relationship with God and the man of my dreams.  Honestly, I'm struggling more with how other Catholics view my sin rather than how God views my sin.  Thoughts?

Surprises

You know, I am starting to think that God gives us opportunities to be humbled through challenging struggles. 

Who was it that said, "If only we knew how valuable suffering was, we'd all want it?" I think it was St Rosa di Lima. Regardless, I think that physical inability is one of the most powerful ways to be humbled. Its striking to think about the before and after when ''success'' and ''strength'' and "fortitude" described the before and the after is characterized by debility. Granted, the debility of the after is probably more so in comparison to the before, but that's kind of the kicker, isn't it? The things you planned to do, whether as a child or in a moment of amnesia [or perhaps wishful forgetfulness], have all shifted. Perhaps not cancelled, but altered in some real way. Maybe that change is what we are called to focus on? The Pefection we seek: "Don't look at the things you think you want. Just keep looking off and away, up to me, or you'll miss what I have to show you. And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you." hmm....

I usually like surprises. I usually like change. It is exciting, different, adrenaline pumping. But I feel like I'm struggling with stasis, with waiting. Shall I know when I'm ready?

Faith.

Hello beautiful ladies,

I just have to say, a week into Lent and I am absolutely LOVING this experience with each and every one of you. Elizabeth, this was the best idea. I am so moved by all of the posts, all of the advice, and all of the love shared on this page. I can't wait to see the continuous love and growth we share through the rest of the season. And all through our faith and love for Jesus Christ. Truly amazing. :)

And if you're having a down day, I think this is a good one to listen to. It's been running through my mind a lot today for some reason, and I just think it's beautiful.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3giLq4gsLq4
And if remember, you're all beautiful. :)
http://www.vevo.com/watch/selena-gomez-and-the-scene/who-says/USH5V1121237

lovelovelove and great big hugs <3

Selfless love

Tonight, I was posed with a question. I have heard this question before, but to be honest, never really applied it to myself. Tonight, I was asked the question again. "Do you believe in a God who believes in you?" And I diverted the question. Not letting me off the hook, I was asked again. "Do you believe in a God who believes in you?" Such a powerful question..and unfortunately I answered, "No, not always." Why? Because I don't believe in myself. How can I believe in a God who believes in me when I do not fully believe in myself? I will admit, I am my own worst enemy. Everyday is a battle with myself. Everyday I try to break the barrier, to bring the wall down. And it's hard and it's terrifying. But, I am not alone. And the wall will come down. It will take a journey, but little by little, the wall will begin to chip away. Tonight, I was challenged by two wonderful people. Two wonderful people who were not afraid to be blunt with me and tell me what they saw. I was challenged to look at myself in a different way. I was challenged to look at myself as being a masterpiece of God. I was beautifully made. I can and do make a difference. I matter. I deserve selfless and perfect love. These two wonderful girls showed me a kind of selfless love that allowed Christ's love to fill the room. They helped me understand I AM LOVED. I am loved for everything that I am, flaws and strengths. They love me for being me. And tonight will be something I am forever grateful for. Thank you, Colleen and Christine. Thank you for showing me love and compassion. Thank you for loving me for me.

Trust in the Lord

Hello lovely ladies! Sorry I am joining a little late. Like Kati, I just came back from a wonderful CCM ASB trip. I am so grateful for the experience. Although the trip to Tennessee was very last minute and somewhat disorganized, everything came together beautifully when we were down there. (I was also a leader for the first time, which an experience in itself!) God was so good to us and showed us a whole new type of love. He taught us compassion and He taught us to trust fully in Him. It's hard to explain the trip in a blog post, but I do want to tell you all about it! We spent the week getting up at 5am and serving breakfast to families staying at the Samaritan house (homeless shelter/temporary housing for single moms and their children). We cooked for a total of 20 people (we were not expecting such a crowd!). During the day we worked at a ministry center cleaning, sorting clothes, distributing food, and serving those who came to the center. We went back to the Samaritan house to cook dinner around 5 and played with the kids until 7 or so. Oh boy did we get attached to those little ones. We stayed at Holy Trinity Catholic Church, which was amazing. The hospitality was overwhelming. Growing up in a Catholic family and Catholic community has shaped me into the person I am today. However, this trip has made me realize that there is a lot about my faith that I do not know or fully understand.

The town we served in Tennessee is predominately Baptist. What I came to learn and appreciate is that although our religions are different, we have more similarities and differences. Most of the community was very welcoming and did not seem to care that we were Catholic, but there was an older gentleman who seemed to pick on us. He would make little jabs about our church history and said things that were not actually true. Fr. Dan, the priest at Holy Trinity, told us to stand up for our faith and kindly correct him. It sounds so simple. I am proud to be a Catholic and believe in the Catholic teachings, but how do I explain my faith to skeptics? I am not one for confrontation so I often find myself relying on others to do the dirty work for me. What scared me even more was when I actually met someone from this small town in Tennessee, which was quite out of the blue. Like many of you, I have struggled with jealousy issues when I see my friends happy and content with a significant other. I have never really had a "serious" relationship with anyone before and worry that I may not find that perfect someone, especially since I am getting up there in my college years! In the past, I feel that I have been to quick to judge others and often shut down a relationship before it even develops.

Part of my Lenten challenge this year is to be open-minded and turn to God through prayer for guidance. I think that I can be a very guarded person sometimes in fear of rejection and a broken heart. But when it comes down to it, there comes a point when you need to be vulnerable and confident all at the same time. I always pictured myself getting married to a strong, Catholic boy. Recently, I have been struggling with this concept since I have been talking to this boy from Tennessee. He is not Catholic, but he has a strong faith in God and has similar values. Who knows if this will actually turn into a relationship, but in general I wonder if I am doing myself an injustice when I just shut people out because they do not share my same religion. After all, aren't we praying and believing in the same God? I think my fear is that I would somehow get pulled away from my Catholic faith.

When it all comes down to it, I know that God will always be there for me and always love me. The Lord protects and guides me. My anxieties, worries, and fears are relieved when I fully put my trust in the Lord. God has a plan.

I am not sure if you all have heard of Mother Angelica, but she is a nun that started EWTN (Eternal Word Television Network). She has a few books that I have read and enjoyed. One book is called Little Book of Life Lessons and Everyday Spirituality. I highly recommend it. She is a spitfire and very wise. I wanted to share this except:
"A Prayer of Hope- Sometimes I feel like all is lost. We've all felt that. We've all felt like 'it's finished, we're bankrupt.' Some of you are spiritually bankrupt. What do you do at those moments? I look up and say, 'I put all my trust in You.' That's a prayer of hope. Try it sometime."

One more thing...check out this song/video...I feel like it is perfect for this blog.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jABIjfkRVxI&feature=related


peace :)
-sorry this is a tad lengthy!

The Tangled Web of "Mess"

Ok, so there is the possibility of a suitor in my life. However, this is turning out to be a tangled web of mess. I'm not sure how I feel about him, and that's complicated. We haven't had the discussion of "where we are" and how we are "feeling" at the current moment but I feel that that conversation is coming...and soon...and I'm not going to know how to respond. Part of it is I'm not sure how attracted I am to him. Isn't that part of the package? There's A LOT going on in my life right now and a part of me does not want to drag him into everything. I don't think it's fair to him. My mind is so scattered and I want to be fair to him. But at the same time, I want to be fair to myself too. I don't want to ruin something that could be great. I don't want to run scared again. And if this relationship is not meant to be then fine. That's FINE. But, yet the voice of self-doubt is running through my head. And I'm running scared...

Preparation

So yesterday I was babysitting and I got to take the little two-year-old I watch out on an adventure.  One of our stops was Barnes and Noble.  We had so much fun reading and playing with the toys in the kid's section, I loved it!  As we were about to leave, Livy wanted to look at one last book (one she already has at home) and while she was doing that I saw on the top shelf a Princess book.  I thought, oh this is so cute and opened the book... It was all about marriage!  This was a book with an audience of two to eight-year-olds or so and the whole darn thing was about marriage.  I can't remember everything that was in it but it was basically ten steps to a wonderful marriage and it listed things like having the perfect shoes, the perfect jewelry, the perfect dress, the perfect Prince Charming.  I wish I could remember some of the actual wording in the book because I know my jaw just dropped.  This is what we are feeding to children?
At the women's retreat in the Fall one of the major things I talked to Jane Nucup about was how we are taught as women to prepare for the perfect wedding day.  Everything on our wedding day must be flawless, exact, and wonderful.  No one can forget anything or mess anything up.  Who cares what God's plans for the day are, we just ignore them in an effort to have everything "perfect."  But... the words we have in our prayer about perfection are: Until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I have prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me. And this is perfect love. and I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love that I offer you with Myself. It's all about HIM.  Our focus should be on HIM.  As Jane and I were talking, we just wondered about how we are only taught to care about the "big day" and we forget that this union is forever.  We aren't prepared for the next 50, 60, 70 years of our life with this person.  Today, I pray that we can all examine what the focus is in our hearts and that we can move even closer to God's heart through this prayer.

Oh, God and His Timing!

Let me start off by saying that it has been so great reading all of your posts, and I'm so grateful to have the opportunity to share this with you ladies!  I know most of you from CCM and EWC experiences, and now that I  am almost a year out of JMU, I really, really appreciate being able to be part of a community with y'all again.  I have missed your support and your beautiful faces!  


I have struggled a lot with my faith this year, and I think part of that stems from leaving that safe JMU CCM community that I relied on for four years.  JMU and CCM shaped so much of who I am, and I've found it hard to keep that faith I shaped there, and stay true to myself, while growing in my new post-college situation.  As some of you probably know, I've been living in eastern Kentucky since September as a one-year volunteer with Christian Appalachian Project.  I love the work that I'm doing here, helping the elderly, but ironically, my relationship with God has suffered in some ways in the last 6 months.  I have come to realize lately that I need to make some changes, and that living my faith is probably not going to be as easy from here on out as it was in college.  It will not just happen.  I have to actively make it happen.  I think Ali quoted Fr. Jim in one of her posts, and I'll quote him again: "If nothing changes, then nothing changes."  So I am really trying to make this Lent a season of change, and one of looking back and taking stock of things.


When I first got Elizabeth's message about this prayer, I didn't really feel like joining, because the whole relationship area has been one of the things I've been struggling with lately, and it's one of the areas that's hardest for me to address.  But I knew that doing this Lenten discipline would be good for me--I guess God was pulling at my heart a little bit.  Any of you who know me well know that I have never really dated--in high school and then in college, I just never really found anyone who I was really interested in who was also interested in me.  Looking back, I believe going to JMU was one of the best choices I ever made--but as the saying goes, "You go to JMU to meet your bridesmaids, not your husband."  I am so thankful for the "bridesmaids," a.k.a. all the wonderful friends I made at JMU!  And honestly, I don't know that I was ready for a relationship for a big chunk of my college career.  I went through a lot and matured a lot during my time at JMU.  As I look back, I really do see God's hand steering me, despite the the things I thought I wanted.


Then came my time here at CAP.  Once again, I find myself in a place where girls are the majority!  There aren't many guys here, but I managed to fall for one despite that.  I guess I should explain that I live in community, in a house with 11 other volunteers.  One of them happens to be this boy.  And, unfortunately, another of them happens to be his girlfriend.  Yes, you read right--his girlfriend.  Yet, he and I grew closer than we should have.  Nothing ever "happened" between us, thank goodness, but it got to the point where, right before Christmas vacation, I thought I was going to pull my hair out.  I've had pointless crushes before, but usually, I can just tell myself to deal with it and live with the fact that there's no potential there.  But in this case, stuff had happened that made me pretty sure that he had feelings for me, too.  I had finally found someone who I really connected with, and he was dating someone else.  My whole Christmas break, I was a wreck because I was worrying about this situation.  When we got back, though, there was definitely a wall between us.  It's been up and down since then, but at this point, we are kind of forced, polite acquaintances, and I don't really have feelings for him anymore.  I wish we could have stayed friends, but I am okay with the way things are now.  I think I finally woke up and realized how ridiculous and selfish I was being, and I have realized a lot about his shortcomings and immaturity, as well.  He is definitely a good person, but he has a lot of growing up to do, especially as far as relationships go.  I also learned a lot about myself.  I don't think it's any coincidence that when this situation was at its worst, my relationship with God was also at a very low point.  I wasn't putting much effort in at all.  Basically, I was looking for fulfillment in a situation that could never offer it.  It took me too long to accept that, and that's a big source of regret for me.


However, I feel that experience has made me a little better-prepared to face whatever faces me in the future.  There is a new guy who I am really enjoying getting to know--I don't want to say any more (yet!).  I am just praying the prayer every night and it is helping to keep my mind and my heart clear.  The Lord says, "Just wait."  I'm hoping my waiting time will be over soon, but I have to be okay if it's not.   


I am so proud of all of us for making this commitment!  :)

"And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love that I offer you with Myself."

Today, at school, I was really struggling with my sacrifice.  Yesterday, I was driving Steve to the airport (he travels every week for work) and a Kay Jeweler's commercial came on the radio.  Usually, this is my point to poke fun and smile at him.  I honestly didn't even hear the commercial and he made a joke instead.  This was usually an ample time for me to say, "hey...when's that coming, my love?"  Instead, I held back.  I talked with one of my spiritual mentors today about my sacrifice and the first thing she said to me was, "what is he waiting for?"  YES.  What is HE waiting for?  Honestly though, I was so calm.  I gave her my very rehearsed "He's working hard and in a turning point in his career...blah...blah...blah."  This time, however, I thought to myself, He's (God) waiting for ME to be ready.  There's so much that I'm discovering over this Lent that I didn't know about Steve's spirituality and it's only been a week.  There's so much I'm learning about my own spirituality.  God is waiting for us to be ready at the same time.  Until then, and only then, He will give us in the flesh the picture of perfect Love.  

This is a very jumbled post and I'm sorry.  It may seem that I'm struggling, but what I want you to know is that discussing our relationships with God has truly helped me be at peace knowing what God has in store for me.   

United with Him

God's timing is absolutely impeccable, in all things from relationships to putting little things like this blog into our lives. From the end of tenth grade to second semester freshman year, I was pretty much always in a serious relationship. As a senior, it has now been three years since my last relationship. Lucky for me I am a pretty patient person and although I've struggled here and there with feeling lonely, I've always been pretty happy being single. Through prayer I knew that I just wasn't meant to be focusing on romantic relationships the past couple of years. But for some reason, the last 3 weeks have been really hard. God has someone planned for all of us that is more perfect than we can imagine. I believe this with all my heart...which is the problem. I have finally gotten to the point that I don't want to wait for that perfect match anymore. Who would want to wait for something so wonderful?


It is so perfect that as a I started to struggle with this, the awesome idea to read this prayer was shared with me. As I read today, the first thing that stuck out to me was this line. "You will never be united to another until you are united with Me, exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires or longings." It is not developing a relationship with another human that I need right now, it is to strengthen my relationship with God. In order to know what God wants for me, I should be looking up to him. One of my favorite quotes is "A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him to find her." I know I long for a relationship that challenges me to grow more spiritually and is completely centered on God, but in order for that to happen, I need to be completely united with God first.

The second part that has and always stand out to me the most is this:
"Know that I love you completely, for I am God. Believe, and be satisfied." I do believe in God's plan. I do believe that he loves all of us more than we can imagine. Believing isn't the hard part, it's being happy with what God has given us. I just ask that you pray for me for satisfaction, that I can be satisfied with what God has given me, even if it's not what I want.

love is the one wild card in life.

Hey ladies!

I just got back from my Alternative Spring Break today and am so excited to join in on this blog with you all. I think this is such a wonderful idea for the Lenten season.

I must agree with things you have all said. Jen, I completely understand your feelings of frustration and wondering when your prince will come. This is something I question quite often, especially with college coming to an end and knowing I'll be going into the real world soon. I think I've always just thought that I'd find "the one" while I was in college and know that going out of college I'd have my whole life lined up, my love life, my friends, my career. And I'm realizing that this isn't the case! It's even harder sometimes when I see all of my friends settling down and finding guys and it can be hard being the single one. Caitrin, I also understand your feelings with friends. I've struggled with that this year as well. Thinking people were my closest friends and finding out along the way that they don't prove to be that...can be extremely tough. I feel like sometimes I just give and give and give and end up getting the raw end of the deal. But with all these frustrations I just try to dig deep down in my soul and remember that no matter what, God has a reason for everything. He has a plan, and it might not be what I expect. But in the end, I know that going through all the rough times will make the future that much sweeter in the end.

I love this prayer. I read it and just felt a sense of peace. I think I often struggle with loving myself...I continuously find flaws and think to myself, how can I expect someone to love me when I don't 100% love myself. In saying this prayer I realize that I need to let go, and let God. I need to just be me and see that there's no one else like me, and embrace that. As the saying goes, "you're lucky enough to be different, never change."

I think the part that really struck me this week was..."I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing... one that you cannot even imagine. I want you to have the best!
Please allow Me to bring it to you. Just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things. Keep experiencing the satisfaction knowing that I am. Keep listening to and learning the things I tell you. Just wait, that's all.
Don't be anxious. Don't worry. Don't look at the things you think you want. Just keep looking off and away, up to me, or you'll miss what I have to show you. And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you. With a love far more wonderful than you would ever dream." I've been praying a lot lately for God to send me that love. For me to find that feeling of belonging and knowing that you are meant to be with this one person. And then at some point last week, I stopped. I decided that instead of praying for this to come my way, I would just have faith that it will happen when it is supposed to happen. And just as the prayer says, God brought this love to me. I stopped planning and found a love I didn't imagine finding...one that was even more wonderful than I'd though I would see. And it was a different love than I expected to find. I found this love on my spring break trip in the South Bronx. Going on the trip this week absolutely filled my heart. I let go of all my frustrations or worries or insecurities and went into this experience with an open heart, praying for God to just let me do His will for the week. And through doing so, my heart was filled with an incredible amount of love. I spent the week with kids in an innercity Catholic School, who are surrounded by terrible living conditions, shootings, deaths, yelling, poverty, and so much devastation. I was determined to go into the school and just giving the kids the love and attention they deserve to have. What I wasn't expecting was the love they gave in return. This was my second year at St. Luke's, and it was just as fulfilling, if not more, than last year. From the first day I was there, the kids opened their hearts and latched on to me. Some remembered me for last year and were THRILLED to see me again, which absolutely melted my heart. Through the week, I just spent time with the kids, talking to them, playing with them, encouraging them, and just loving them. And in return, I got a million hugs, thank yous, and i love yous. It made me see that just because these kids are in a horrible area, does not mean they are hopeless. These kids are full of hope. They're full of determination, faith, and love. Saying goodbye to the kids yesterday was heartbreaking because they kept hugging me and holding on to me and begging me not to go. They wrote me notes telling me how much they appreciated me coming to see them and spending time with them and how much they wish I didn't have to leave and how much they would miss me. And then I got an email from one girl, a little fourth grader (an hour after school) that said, "Hi Kati I miss u very much i started crying thats how much i miss u i really hope u come back next year from yvonne love u Kati" Through these kids this week, I saw the light of Christ shining brightly and I left today feeling more loved than I have in a long time.

I guess through this novel I've just written, I've realized from this week that love comes in different forms at different times in different ways. But I know that God does have a plan and I have faith that He will provide all that we are looking for. I hope you all feel the love of Christ during this Lenten season :)

What about those who never see love?

I've been thinking a lot lately about all of those in this world who never see love. They don't know God's unconditional love, they do not have parents to show them love. They do not know what it means to be loved. I, unfortunately, encountered this in my practicum classroom when I witnessed a five-year old's brother tell her that he was so disappointed in her, that he'd rather drop her off at the police station than ever take her home again. My heart broke. I don't even know this girl, but I know she's not getting the love she deserves. She represents one of many who do not know or feel real love. And this story is one of the reasons I became a teacher. I want to show Christ's love to those who never experience it elsewhere. I want to be the one to show them that I care when no one else does. And it breaks my heart that the world does not work this way, that not all people think this way. Even if the person is a complete stranger, we need to show them the same love and compassion that Christ would show them. God does not call us to change the world, but he does call us to show Christ's love each and every day. Even if you only make a difference in one person's life, it matters. It matters to that one person.

How will you show love to others?

Unconditional Love

This past semester, after going through a lot of messy friendships, I have felt lonely often. Even when I still had people around me to hang out with, get lunch with, etc, I had myself convinced that few of them were real, true friends. This all happened because a few of my high school friends were making me feel like a terrible person for some of the choices I was making in my romantic life. That they were confused about what I was doing and that it looked bad to them is not what got me. It's that I could affect how much they thought of me, and how much they loved me, with just one simple action. That hurts!
You've known me for 8 years...Don't you know who I am? Don't you know that I would never desire to hurt you? Are you really going to weigh one action that you don't understand against the person and the friend I have been to you for half your life?
All I wanted to hear, from anyone, was "Caitrin, I love you. As a person. In spite of the mistakes you've made, in spite of the confusion you're in, in spite of decisions I may not agree with...I love you! There is nothing you could do to change how much I love you."
I think God put this desire for unconditional love in my heart so I could rediscover that His love is the only truly unconditional love. A really good friend, or especially a parent, can get pretty close, but God has got it down completely. We all need unconditional love, we all thirst for it daily, and I think this is one reason every girl wants a boyfriend. Ladies, please understand that finding a boyfriend will NOT result in you finding an unconditional love. The only true source of that kind of love is in Jesus Christ. No man can love you like Him, and no man so deeply desires to love you as He does, either! Works out pretty well. :)

Love without limits.

Today, I have a fever of 102.  I was originally supposed to go into work today.  While I'm not one to try and analyze what God does, I do think this is a sign to "slow down" and watch what is in front of me.  Steve, the love of my life, dropped all of his obligations today to come and take care of me because my family is MIA.  It makes me realize what I have and to appreciate what I have.  "Don't look at the things you think you want. Just keep looking off and away, up to me, or you'll miss what I have to show you." 

Transformation

The Priest at my home Parish said on Ash Wednesday that Lent is a time when we recognize the ashes in our lives and transform them with Love.  It is not about dwelling on the ashes and what we are doing wrong, rather it is about proclaiming the transforming power of Love we live every day because of Jesus' death on a cross.  I have seen this transforming power of Love in my life in so many ways.  My parents, every one of my family members, my boyfriend, and numerous friends have showed this love to me throughout my life.  Just recently I was accepted to a poetry conference in Lexington.  I was super excited to go, but also quite nervous about reading my original work in front of a crowded room.  I had just finished the last bite of the nice catered lunch provided and randomly turned around only to see my Dad coming towards me with arms wide open.  Following closely behind him were my Mom and sister.  They had driven three hours to Lexington to surprise me and support me when it was my turn to read at the conference.  
For the last few months my prayer has been to love as selflessly as those close to me and of course, as Jesus loves.  As I have been praying this my eyes have been open to acts of love constantly surrounding me.  While I pray to love more selflessly I find myself getting to know the heart of Jesus in a more and more intimate way.  By recognizing the ashes in my life, and sacrificing this Lent I have already been drawn closer to the transforming power of God's love.  
Here is a quote from a devotional I have been reading: "Whatever you "give up," be sure that you are making room for prayer each day.  Tell the Lord how you hunger and thirst for him.  Let your fast become a reflection of that longing.  Then, as Lent unfolds, watch to see how God satisfies your longing.  Watch, too, for ways that he sends you out to share His blessings with the people around you."
Transform the ashes in your life with LOVE.

I know all of us dream of receiving a love letter. Don't deny it ;) I shared this in a talk a couple of years ago, and I would like to share it with you now. Here is God's love letter to you:

My Child,

You may not know me,
but I know everything about you.
Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up.
Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways.
Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered.
Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image.
Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being.
Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring.
Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived.
Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation.
Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake,
for all your days are written in my book.
Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth
and where you would live.
Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb.
Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born.
Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented
by those who don't know me.
John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry,
but am the complete expression of love.
1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you.
1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child
and I am your Father.
1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could.
Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect father.
Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand.
James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs.
Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope.
Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love.
Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless
as the sand on the seashore.
Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you.
Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession.
Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you
with all my heart and all my soul.
Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things.
Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart,
you will find me.
Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you
the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires.
Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you
than you could possibly imagine.
Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager.
2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you
in all your troubles.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted,
I am close to you.
Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb,
I have carried you close to my heart.
Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away
every tear from your eyes.
Revelation 21:3-4

And I'll take away all the pain
you have suffered on this earth.
Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you
even as I love my son, Jesus.
John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed.
John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being.
Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you,
not against you.
Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression
of my love for you.
1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved
that I might gain your love.
Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus,
you receive me.
1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you
from my love again.
Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party
heaven has ever seen.
Luke 15:7

I have always been Father,
and will always be Father.
Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is…
Will you be my child?
John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you.
Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad
Almighty God