This line from an old-school 90s song ("She likes me for me!") has kind of been my mantra lately. There's so much that I'm afraid of right now, relationships-wise and in life in general, and as much as I try to run from my fears, it's true: the things that we're afraid of are gonna show us what we're made of in the end. These days, I've been really questioning what I'm made of. I've come to the realization that I need to contain more of God and less of myself than I currently do. I have to admit that I've been slipping with saying the prayer the last couple of weeks and not saying it every day. This is representative of my prayer life in general. But I AM trying to get back on track--I have an appointment for Confession on Thursday, I am making myself set aside daily prayer/reflection time, and I am going to try to stay active on the blog--maybe you ladies can help a bit in keeping me accountable. I would really appreciate it!
In my first post on this blog, I wrote about the guy I met here in Kentucky who I became pretty attached to, but who is currently dating someone else. For a few months, he and I have not really had a relationship at all. However, a couple weeks ago, he seemed to want to make amends and try to be friends again. I knew it would probably not last long (his girlfriend was away for a little while), but I decided to give him one more chance, and that to just shut the door to friendship and mutual forgiveness would be wrong. This was a mistake--we ended up getting super close again in a matter of a days. Too close. I realize now that I had been hurting so much these past few months, but had just been trying to ignore it. I had been hurting because as much as I tried to pretend I had no connection with him, I still cared deeply about him. He is going through a lot in his life right now, and though I know the relationship he is in is just making it harder for him to deal with those issues, I don't think he's capable of seeing it. When his girlfriend got back, though, things between us grew kind of cold again. He is a different person around her, and she rather clique-ish and keeps him and her other friends close to her. The terrible part is that I don't blame her. I feel guilty about the choices I've made with him, and I feel guilty for making things harder on him when he does not need his life to be any more complicated than it is. Granted, it is a two-way street, but I feel bad for my part in the matter. I haven't been fair to him or to her. Right now, I am just praying that I can be whatever he needs in his life right now. If that means we have to just be fake, casual acquaintances and keep our distance, I pray that I may have the strength to do so. It's just so hard. I know he's probably never going to be right for me, and I know all his flaws VERY well at this point, but I still have feelings for him. I'm also angry at him, though, because he has not treated me well in this situation, either. It's just such a complex mess of emotions that I know only God can sort out. So please, pray for me and for him. We have two months left of living together, and I want to do my best to make the best of this situation in those two months.
Luckily, it is getting to be spring here. There will be lots of fun outside stuff to do soon, and I can't wait! I have made some good, true friends in my house and I'm getting a lot closer to some of the people in the other volunteer house here. We have plans to go camping, go to some festivals, and do some other cool stuff. I'm also going home for Easter and the week after--actually, I will be at JMU for Easter so hopefully I will see some of you there! I thank God that he seems to be giving me an outlet from this situation. I know he's here, and I'm trying to listen!
"God is faithful and will not let you be tried beyond your strength; but with the trial he will also provide a way out, so that you may be able to bear it." --1 Corinthians 10:13
Jane,
ReplyDeleteFirst off...I love you and you know that we would never judge you for not saying the prayer. The prayer is there for everyone, whether everyone says it or not. I'd be happy to keep you accountable. Is there any way in particular that would help to remind you to look at the website?
As far as the relationship goes, I do not want to turn you away from my advice by telling you "NO" especially since there are plenty of things in my life that I shouldn't be doing. What I will tell you though is some amazing advice that I hear my mom telling me constantly. We are women and we need to support one another as women in Christ by respecting one another. If you wouldn't want it to happen to you, then you might want to step away no matter how much it hurts you. Please let me know if you ever need to talk about this in more detail because I do feel for you.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:6-7)
Ali,
ReplyDeleteThanks. :) I don't really know the best way to keep me accountable...maybe if I don't post for awhile, send me a fierce facebook message...haha. But seriously, it's really just knowing that you all are here to support me that really helps.
And I definitely know and accept that the answer, when it comes to this relationship, is NO. Like I said, I feel guilty about it--I know if I were in her shoes and I knew everything about the relationship between him and me, I would be upset. It's not like anything has happened that is technically considered "cheating," but I do feel bad about it all the same, and I am committed to stepping back. Your mom is completely right! I have never been in this situation before, but that's not an excuse, because I know what's right and what's wrong. And I would love to talk sometime, if only even to catch up...I miss you!
Thanks for the good advice!
Hey Jane, I wanted to share this verse with you : "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." Romans 5:3-4. I think that as you persevere in your relationships not only with this boy, in the proper capacity, but also with God, that your character will ultimately be strengthened quite a bit. I hope that your time at Confession can be a beautifully cleansing moment. I also think that as you continue to work on your relationship with God you should see how your character builds. As your character builds and you become more the persons God intends you to be, I hope that you have a renewed sense of hope as this verse suggests. Then everything will essentially come full circle and you will have more hope to deal with any struggles life sends your way, not just struggles in the romantic department. Jane, you are a beautiful woman and I pray that the rest of Lent, with the help of all the women on this blog, we can all become more the person God made us to be. Thank you for sharing so much and I will be looking forward to your upcoming posts!
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