Well, ladies, today I am 100% single for basically the first time since November 8th, 2007. Wow.
I'm doing ok, don't worry too much about me. I did what I had to do, and now I feel that I can better use my weekend on Encounter, the rest of my semester, and my time in Spain this summer to figure out ME. Not to figure out an US, but just ME. The past few months have been really rough, especially compared to the rest of my wonderful life, but I think I'm almost through this transitional phase. Once my grandma dies, I think the storm will be over, and there will just be adjusting to all the change to be done, and a lot of soul searching and learning about myself will happen, too. By the fall, I will be a brand new, much stronger woman. Or so I hope.
This prayer really helped me to evaluate day by day what I was after in my relationship with Kenny. One line that towards the end stuck out to me was that God is working to have me and my future husband ready at the same time. With everything going on in my life, I wasn't ready for a relationship. I didn't realize that my break-up with Mike left me empty. I didn't have as much of myself or my emotional stability left to give, that needs to build back up. I couldn't give Kenny what he wanted so desperately to give me: himself. But he, too, has a lot of growing and maturing to do, so it really wasn't just me who was not ready for this. Maybe someday God will call us back together. Maybe someday God will call Mike and I back together. They are both such amazing guys, and if things change, I could see either thing as a definite possibility far in the future. But for now, I am not ready. When I am- when I truly am- God will provide more than I can imagine. Until then, I am finally going to learn to believe and be satisfied.
I am very surprised by this, but I'm glad you were able to make a prayerful decision about it. I think this will give you the wonderful opportunity to figure out who you really are so that you can fully give yourself to whoever God may have in store for you!
ReplyDeleteCaitrin,
ReplyDeleteI was also a bit surprised to hear this (or rather to see it via facebook haha). But it sounds like you have made the right decision for yourself. I know it was probably not an easy decision for you to take, but through prayer and reflection, I think God has led you to the path that you need. I know it must feel weird to be single after such a long time having "that person" there. My last breakup left me single after 5 years, and it was quite an adjustment. To not have that person that I talked to every day, or spent so much time with, or knew loved me like no one else did. It was weird. It was the first time in awhile that I had been alone. Of course, I had my friends and my family, but that's a different kind of love. But I have to say, looking back on it now, the breakup was the best thing to happen to me, and was definitely God's plan. I realize now that, if I were still with the person I was freshman year, I wouldn't be where I was or who I am today. And I love where I am at. I have gotten involved in so many different things in the past 3 1/2 years and made some of the most amazing friends, which I know probably would not have happened had I still been with Dominic. But it was God's plan that I start my single life and really look for myself. I have found out so much about who I am, where I want to be in life, and what I want in a relationship. And I owe that all to Him for giving me the time to do that. Of course, I think often about wanting to find that person, but I'm not unhappy being by myself. I know I'm not complete, because I know there is someone out there who is my other half and I'm supposed to be with. But I'm also okay with just being me. And I'm really grateful that I've had the time and opportunity to see that. I think that you will do the same; it will be an adjustment and it will be an experience, but you will find out so much about yourself. You are going through a lot right now, and a relationship on top of that is definitely a lot. But now you can focus on you...finding who you are and what you want to be. It's a phase we all go through at some point, and this is your time. Embrace every second of it, and know that through this whole process, God has a plan and does have that person out there for you. But this is now YOUR time. I'm sure that in this time, you will become stronger and more confident about all things you. And once you've figured out you, He will bring that person back into your life. Whether it be Kenny, Mike, or a completely new person...He has a plan and will provide you with "the most thrilling plan existing... one that you cannot even imagine. With a love far more wonderful than you would ever dream."
This wasn't surprising to me, but I don't know the situation very well. I do want you to know that a few years ago, I went through a similar time where I knew that I had two men who were amazing, but neither man was right for me at the time. I have to tell you though, even though I made that liberating decision, I had quite a few nights where I would break down. Power through those nights. Like Katie said, it can be hardest when you don't have that person to talk to before bed. Talk to God. Stand up in your room alone and speak out loud to Him. He loves you and will make you ready soon enough.
ReplyDeleteHi Caitrin,
ReplyDeleteDecisions like that are difficult but, I think you made the right choice for you and for him. With your strong faith and positive outlook on life, you will be fine by fall if not sooner. With perseverance, you will be able to do as Ali suggests and be a strong woman with God at your side. Perhaps this passage from Paul to James will help you, “Consider it all joy, my brothers, when you encounter various trials, for you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. And let perseverance be perfect, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. But if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God who gives to all generously and ungrudgingly, and he will be given it. (James 1:2-5)”