Oh, God and His Timing!

Let me start off by saying that it has been so great reading all of your posts, and I'm so grateful to have the opportunity to share this with you ladies!  I know most of you from CCM and EWC experiences, and now that I  am almost a year out of JMU, I really, really appreciate being able to be part of a community with y'all again.  I have missed your support and your beautiful faces!  


I have struggled a lot with my faith this year, and I think part of that stems from leaving that safe JMU CCM community that I relied on for four years.  JMU and CCM shaped so much of who I am, and I've found it hard to keep that faith I shaped there, and stay true to myself, while growing in my new post-college situation.  As some of you probably know, I've been living in eastern Kentucky since September as a one-year volunteer with Christian Appalachian Project.  I love the work that I'm doing here, helping the elderly, but ironically, my relationship with God has suffered in some ways in the last 6 months.  I have come to realize lately that I need to make some changes, and that living my faith is probably not going to be as easy from here on out as it was in college.  It will not just happen.  I have to actively make it happen.  I think Ali quoted Fr. Jim in one of her posts, and I'll quote him again: "If nothing changes, then nothing changes."  So I am really trying to make this Lent a season of change, and one of looking back and taking stock of things.


When I first got Elizabeth's message about this prayer, I didn't really feel like joining, because the whole relationship area has been one of the things I've been struggling with lately, and it's one of the areas that's hardest for me to address.  But I knew that doing this Lenten discipline would be good for me--I guess God was pulling at my heart a little bit.  Any of you who know me well know that I have never really dated--in high school and then in college, I just never really found anyone who I was really interested in who was also interested in me.  Looking back, I believe going to JMU was one of the best choices I ever made--but as the saying goes, "You go to JMU to meet your bridesmaids, not your husband."  I am so thankful for the "bridesmaids," a.k.a. all the wonderful friends I made at JMU!  And honestly, I don't know that I was ready for a relationship for a big chunk of my college career.  I went through a lot and matured a lot during my time at JMU.  As I look back, I really do see God's hand steering me, despite the the things I thought I wanted.


Then came my time here at CAP.  Once again, I find myself in a place where girls are the majority!  There aren't many guys here, but I managed to fall for one despite that.  I guess I should explain that I live in community, in a house with 11 other volunteers.  One of them happens to be this boy.  And, unfortunately, another of them happens to be his girlfriend.  Yes, you read right--his girlfriend.  Yet, he and I grew closer than we should have.  Nothing ever "happened" between us, thank goodness, but it got to the point where, right before Christmas vacation, I thought I was going to pull my hair out.  I've had pointless crushes before, but usually, I can just tell myself to deal with it and live with the fact that there's no potential there.  But in this case, stuff had happened that made me pretty sure that he had feelings for me, too.  I had finally found someone who I really connected with, and he was dating someone else.  My whole Christmas break, I was a wreck because I was worrying about this situation.  When we got back, though, there was definitely a wall between us.  It's been up and down since then, but at this point, we are kind of forced, polite acquaintances, and I don't really have feelings for him anymore.  I wish we could have stayed friends, but I am okay with the way things are now.  I think I finally woke up and realized how ridiculous and selfish I was being, and I have realized a lot about his shortcomings and immaturity, as well.  He is definitely a good person, but he has a lot of growing up to do, especially as far as relationships go.  I also learned a lot about myself.  I don't think it's any coincidence that when this situation was at its worst, my relationship with God was also at a very low point.  I wasn't putting much effort in at all.  Basically, I was looking for fulfillment in a situation that could never offer it.  It took me too long to accept that, and that's a big source of regret for me.


However, I feel that experience has made me a little better-prepared to face whatever faces me in the future.  There is a new guy who I am really enjoying getting to know--I don't want to say any more (yet!).  I am just praying the prayer every night and it is helping to keep my mind and my heart clear.  The Lord says, "Just wait."  I'm hoping my waiting time will be over soon, but I have to be okay if it's not.   


I am so proud of all of us for making this commitment!  :)